I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
