I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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