we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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