They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
