I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize