yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
