i just wanna soil my oats bro
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
