i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
