buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
