You can't motorboat a personality
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
