Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
