We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
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