I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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