Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i think im in europe. pls send help
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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