hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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