i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
