He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
