if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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