OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
