so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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