We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
