Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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