My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
