Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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