I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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