Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize