It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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