Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
