News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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