I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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