my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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