im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
