For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
