Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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