Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
