Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
