I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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