I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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