the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
