I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
