The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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