then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize