I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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