he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
