last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
In America we eat man semen.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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