My room smells like vodka and shame
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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