just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The beer is more important than you right now.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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