This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize