Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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