im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
