My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Buhtt sex?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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