he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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