dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dicks are not precious.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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