How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
