We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
