I'm lost and stupid without you.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
