wat bout pragnant strippers??
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
