I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
