I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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