no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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