I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
