i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
