I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
